I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.