my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You Might Also Like
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.