“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
An odd boast
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.