Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
2023 was just a warmup
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again