Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”