*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
this is so top tier i cant
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite