me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Perfect
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.