Has there ever been a more American story?
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here