Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
the Monday after daylight savings
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder