Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Krampus.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
This is always good for a laugh.