Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Worst bar ever.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.