*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Can’t. Being lazy.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.