Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.