If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.