Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?