I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]