I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon