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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”