My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week