Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.