A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)