I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
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Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
cause of death:
autopsy.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Festive toon…
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.