A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”