Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
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Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
😬
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
💻🤡
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.