Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Life hack
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.