my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.