Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.