I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil