So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.