*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.