For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
This is I, Robot all over again
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.