Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.