First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Sooo many times…..
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Oh thanks BBC.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.