The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.