Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
You Might Also Like
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
This January has 47 Mondays
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…