I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Put this video in the Louvre
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.