[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.