People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility