him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no