If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.