God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If you donât have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[sipping hot orange juice] if youâre breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says sheâd love to know too.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. đ¤ˇââď¸đ
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DONâT THEY?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
You had me at âsheâs the one,â but lost me at âofficer.â
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and Iâll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesnât sound very fun.
Me: Canât hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.