Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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bears
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.