You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.