My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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