I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
There’s only one good girl here!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.