Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*Inspirational Tweets*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
is nasa ok
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.