me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Boating season is upon us.
there’s probably a fee though
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Sorry not sorry.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation