I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*