WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Stick it to the man
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison