My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
🤔😂😂
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
At least try to make it slightly believable
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Our lord and savoury.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”